Metal Matt Fan Fic: The Metal Hangover

[Metal Matt]

Yeah, I'm kind of out of ideas at the moment. But then I decided to do another movie parody. This time, it's The Hangover. Here's the main four:

Metal Matt as METAL MATT
Spanky as JACOB
Gee as DANIELLE
Chucky115Awesome as JACELL

ACT I, PART I:

FIONA: Hello?

METAL MATT: Hey, Fiona.

FIONA: Where the hell are you four?

METAL MATT: Yeah, listen, things are out of control, and... we lost Jacell.

FIONA: What are you saying, Metal Matt? We're getting married in 5 hours!

METAL MATT: Yeah, that's not going to happen.

JACELL and JACOB are being fitted for suits for the wedding.

JACOB: Whoa! Watch it pervert!

JACELL: Jacob, he's just doing your inseam.

JACOB: Well, he's getting dangerously close to my shaft. I'm about to fart and try and knock him out.

He does exactly that.

JACOB: If you wanna go to Vegas without me, that is totally cool, you know?

JACELL: What are you talking about?

JACOB: You know, Metal Matt and Danielle, they're your buddies, and it's your bachelor party.

JACELL: Come on, Jacob. Those two love you. Okay? We're just spending the night in Vegas. It's no big deal.

JACOB: I want you to know, Jacell, I'm a steel trap wrapped in a Taco Bell burrito. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever, speak a word of it.

JACELL: Okay. Yeah, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...

JACOB: Seriously. I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.

JACELL: What?

JACOB: You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.

JACELL: Okay. I got it.

METAL MATT is performing at a concert at the Staples Center.

JACOB: Ahem, do you have to park so close?

JACELL: Yeah. What's wrong?

JACOB: I shouldn't be here.

JACELL: Why is that, Jacob?

JACOB: I'm banned from this arena. I saw the band Enigma there once and I jumped up onstage and read excerpts from Of Mice and Men. I've been banned ever since.

JACELL: What?

JACOB: Or a Wal-Mart. Not that I would want to be there anyway. Bunch of old people and trashy people there.

METAL MATT: Alright, I'm here. Let's go get Danielle.

They pick up Danielle.

DANIELLE: Alright, let the road trip begin!!

METAL MATT: WOOOOOO!!!!!!! ROAD TRIP!!!!!!

DANIELLE: YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

JACELL: What is wrong with you two?

METAL MATT: We like to party, man!

JACOB: We need to get some gas.

DANIELLE: Don't you have plenty of that?

METAL MATT is pumping gas into the car as the others are buying snacks inside. An old man passes by.

METAL MATT: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Just go on. I'm not afraid to punch out an old man.

The four get back on the road.

METAL MATT: It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?

JACELL: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Metal Matt.

METAL MATT: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.

JACOB: It's also illegal.

METAL MATT: It's not illegal, it's frowned upon, like watching Seed Of Chucky.

The four arrive at the hotel.

WOMAN: Hi, welcome to Caesars.

DANIELLE: Hello.

WOMAN: Checking in?

METAL MATT: Yeah. We have a reservation under Metal Matt.

WOMAN: Okay, let me look that up for you.

JACOB: Is there a payphone bank?

WOMAN: Um, there's a phone in your room.

JACOB: That'll work.

WOMAN: So I have you in a two-bedroom suite on the 15th floor, is that okay?

JACELL: It sounds perfect.

DANIELLE: Actually, I was wondering if you had any villas.

JACELL: We're not even gonna be in the room. It's unnecessary.

DANIELLE: No big deal. We can share beds. It's one night.

JACOB: If we're share beds, I'm bunking with Danielle.

METAL MATT: Screw that, I'll bunk with Danielle. You can bunk with Ryan Gosling.

JACOB: You leave him out of this.

JACELL: Guys, we are not sharing beds. What are we, 12 years old? Lisa, I apologize. How much is the villa?

LISA: Well, we have one villa available, and it's 4200 for the night.

JACELL: What is this, a villa for millionaires?

JACOB: Is it awesome?

LISA: It's pretty awesome.

JACELL: We'll take it. Give her your credit card.

DANIELLE: No, we'll split it.

JACELL: Are you crazy?

DANIELLE: No, this is on us. Thank you, Lisa.

METAL MATT: Can I ask you another question?

LISA: Sure.

METAL MATT: You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesars Palace, is it?

LISA: What do you mean?

METAL MATT: Did, uh... Did Caesar Romero live here?

LISA: Um, no. I didn't think so.

The four arrive in their hotel.

JACELL: Now, this is Vegas.

DANIELLE: Oh, my... This place is enormous.

JACOB: Now we're talking.

METAL MATT: Is this all one suite?

JACELL: Thank you, guys.

METAL MATT: You're welcome.

JACELL: OK, get dressed. Let's be ready in 30 minutes.

JACOB: Hey, gang. You ready to let the dogs out?

DANIELLE: What?

JACELL: Do what?

JACOB: Let the dogs out. You know. Woof. Woof, woof, woof.

METAL MATT: Yes, Jacob, we are ready to let the dogs out.

METAL MATT is wearing a satchel.

JACOB: You're not really wearing that, are you?

METAL MATT: Wearing what?

JACOB: The man-purse. You're actually gonna wear that?


METAL MATT: It's where I keep all my things. I get a lot of compliments on this. Plus, it's not a man-purse. It's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.

JACELL: Alright, it's time.

DANIELLE: We are definitely not supposed to be up here.

METAL MATT: Come on, we're paying for a villa. We can do whatever the hell we want. Come on up here.

JACELL: How the hell did you find this place?

METAL MATT: Don't worry about it.

DANIELLE: Look at the view up here.

JACOB: A little Jägermeister. We will party tonight.

JACELL: Good idea.

DANIELLE: There it is. Good call. Want some Metal Matt?

METAL MATT: No thanks. I don't drink.

JACOB: Well, you don't know what you're missing.

METAL MATT: Believe me, I can still party with the best of them. I know it isn't a party without Ryan Gosling, but I think it will still be good.

JACOB: Anyway, I'd like to make a toast. To Jacell and "Princess" Fiona. May tonight be... but a minor speed bump... in an otherwise very long and healthy marriage. Cheers.

DANIELLE: Cheers.

JACELL: Cheers.

METAL MATT: All right, to a night the four of us will never forget...

ACT I, PART II coming soon...

[Spanky]

Lol this is pretty funny man, I like it!

[chucky115awesome]

Keep going!

[Metal Matt]

ACT I, PART II:

JACOB: What the hell?

METAL MATT: For the love of god, man, put some pants on.

DANIELLE: OK, guys, there is a tiger in the bathroom.

METAL MATT: Nice.

JACOB: A tiger?

METAL MATT: Hey, bro? You mind putting on some pants? I find it a little weird I have to ask twice.

JACOB: Pants at a time like this? I don't have any p...

DANIELLE: What happened last night?

JACOB: Hey, Metal Matt, go wake Jacell.

DANIELLE: Let's get some coffee and get the hell out of Nevada before housekeeping shows.

METAL MATT: Hey, guys, he's not in there.

JACOB: Did you check all the rooms?

METAL MATT: Yeah, I looked everywhere. Plus, his mattress is gone.

DANIELLE: He probably went to the pool to get something to eat. I'll just call his cell.

JACOB answers JACELL's phone.

JACOB: Hello? This is Jacell's phone.

DANIELLE: Yeah.

JACOB: Why can't we remember a thing from last night?

DANIELLE: Because we obviously had a great friggin' time.

The three eat outside.

METAL MATT: I've looked everywhere, I can't find Jacell. Gym, casino, front desk. Nobody's seen Jacell. He's not here.

DANIELLE: Okay. All right. Let's just track this thing. What's the last thing we remember doing last night?

JACOB: Well, the first thing was we were on the roof and were having those shots of Jäger.

METAL MATT: That was a smart move.

DANIELLE: And then we ate dinner at The Palm. Right?

METAL MATT: That's right.

JACOB: And then we played craps at the Hard Rock, and I think Jacell was there.

METAL MATT: Are you sure you weren't just crapping on the casino table? Cause man, I've seen you do that.

JACOB: You know what, guys? I don't even remember going to dinner.

DANIELLE: What the hell? I don't think I've ever been this hung-over. After the Hard Rock, I blacked out. It was like emptiness.

METAL MATT: Okay. You two had up until 10 p. m... so that gives us a 12-hour window where we could have lost him. Wait, I have an idea. Check your pockets, check your pockets. Do you have anything?

JACOB: I have an ATM receipt from the Bellagio. Eleven-oh-five for $800!

METAL MATT: Wow, someone was wasted.

JACOB: You know, if you didn't drink, you should remember everything! Just tell us what happened!

METAL MATT: No, it's funnier for you to be confused.

DANIELLE: Metal Matt, What's on your arm? What is that? You were in the hospital last night.

METAL MATT: I guess so, yeah.

JACOB: You okay?

METAL MATT: Yeah, I'm fine.

DANIELLE: What the hell is going on?

METAL MATT: Well, look on the bright side, this is a good thing. We have a lead now.

The three get in a police car.

JACOB: I think it's a good thing if you drive, Metal Matt.

DANIELLE: We're stealing a police car? This is so illegal.

METAL MATT: This is Las Vegas. Anything goes. Let's have a little fun.

JACOB: This ought to be good.

DANIELLE: Why are you driving on the sidewalk?

METAL MATT: Because I can.

METAL MATT drives the car as fast as he can to the hospital.

JACOB: This is scary!

DANIELLE: Yeah, but fun!

At the hospital...

DOCTOR: You came in with a mild concussion, some bruised ribs. No big deal. Although, with the exception of the guy in the ribcage shirt, you couldn't articulate how it happened.

DANIELLE: Do you remember how many of us were here?

DOCTOR: Ah... I don't know. I think it was just you three. And one other guy.

JACOB: That's our guy. Was he okay?

DOCTOR: Yeah. He was fine. Just whacked out of his mind. You all were. Okay, here we go. Patient name, Metal Matt, 2:45 a.m. arrival. Minor concussion, like I said. Some bruising. Pretty standard.

METAL MATT: Meh. I've had worse.

The three exit the hospital.

DANIELLE: Well, that led to nothing.

METAL MATT: Well it at least explained why I was in the hospital.

JACOB: It's kind of ironic when you think about it. You usually put people in the hospital. This time you were in the hospital.

METAL MATT: Well, I don't send people to the hospital. I send them to their graves.

DANIELLE: Well, we need to figure out where Jacell is. Poor guy must be scared to death.

Suddenly, the police come and arrest the three outside the hospital. Inside the police station...

COP: You get one phone call.

JACOB: I know you're used to being in prison, but we're not.

METAL MATT: Well, that would imply that I've been caught. I'm not. I'll just call Fiona.

DANIELLE: What are you going to say?

METAL MATT: I don't know, actually. I'll think of something.

DANIELLE: Just say that we're at the pool or something.

METAL MATT: Nice idea.

FIONA: Hello?

METAL MATT: Hey, Fiona! It's Metal Matt.

FIONA: Hey, Metal Matt. Where are you guys?

METAL MATT: We are just at the hotel playing the Spider-Man 1 game on PS2 while listening to White Zombie.

FIONA: Cool. We're just getting some sun. How are you four?

METAL MATT: We're all good, Jacob is in his John Cena shirt and making a mess in the bathroom and Danielle is listening to White Zombie along with the rest of us.

FIONA: Cool. Is Jacell around?

METAL MATT: Of course. Why wouldn't he be?

FIONA: I'm just wondering why you're calling me.

METAL MATT: Um... We made a deal, no talking to girlfriends or wives. So we're all calling each other's.

FIONA: Okay... What's up?

METAL MATT: Uh, you are not gonna believe this. We got comped an extra night at the hotel.

FIONA: You did?

METAL MATT: Yeah. The suite is... It's ridiculous. It's out of control. There's, like, room service and a butler that looks like Alfred from Batman. I mean, just the works. We're thinking of spending the night and we're gonna come back in the morning.

FIONA: You wanna stay an extra night? But the wedding's tomorrow.

METAL MATT: That's why we're gonna get up early, and we'll be back in plenty of time.

FIONA: Okay. Are you sure that's a good idea?

COP: Metal Matt, Jacob, Danielle. Room 3.

METAL MATT: Okay, Fiona, I gotta go. We'll talk to you later.

COP #1: We've got some good news, and we've got some bad news. The good news is we found your Dragula car.

METAL MATT: That's great news.

DANIELLE: That's great. I love that car! See?

COP #1: Yeah, it's over at impound right now. We picked it up at 5 a.m. this morning... parked in the middle of Las Vegas Boulevard.

JACOB: In the middle. That's weird.

DANIELLE: Yeah, that is weird.

COP #2: There was also a note. It says, uh, "Couldn't find a meter, but here's 5 bucks."

COP #1: The bad news is we can't get you in front of a judge until Monday morning.

DANIELLE: Oh, no, uh, officer, that's just impossible. No, we need to be in L.A. tomorrow for a wedding.

COP #2: You stole a police car.

METAL MATT: We didn't steal anything. We found it. If anything, we deserve a reward or something, like a trophy.

COP #2: I see people like you three every day. "Let's go to Vegas, we'll all get drunk and laid!

COP #1: Yeah. Whoo! Woo-hoo.

COP #2: Woo-hoo. Let's steal a cop car, because it'd be really funny."

METAL MATT: Have to admit, it was pretty funny.

COP #2: Think you gonna get away with it? Not up in here.

COP #1: Not up in here!

METAL MATT: Oh. Uh... Sir... ...if I may, um... ...I'm assuming that that squad car belongs to one of you.

COP #1: Yeah.

COP #2: Yeah.

METAL MATT: Look, I'm not a cop. I'm not a weirdo superhero. I'm a rock star. Hell, I'm a father, and  if one of my kids went missing on a school field trip... that would look really bad.

COP #2: What are you getting at?

JACOB: Yeah, Metal Matt, what are you getting at?

METAL MATT: No one wants to look bad. We gotta get to a horror/Spider-Man themed wedding... and you guys don't need people talking about how some tourists borrowed your squad car last night. But look, the point is, I think we can work out a deal. Discreetly of course, ma'am. What do you say?

JACOB: He really is insane.

DANIELLE: I know. But that's what's so awesome about him.

ACT II, PART I coming soon...

[Spanky]

Very awesome dude. I think you left Doug in one part though, lol.

[Gee]

Awesome man, I'm loving this!

[Metal Matt]

ACT II, PART I:

COP #1: Okay, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These people have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect.

JACOB: Wait a sec. What?

COP #1: Now, Danielle here will show you two ways to use a stun gun. Up close and personal.

DANIELLE stuns a criminal.

COP #1: Or you can shoot it from a distance. Do I have any volunteers? You wanna come up here and do some shooting? Huh? All right, how about you, young lady? Come on up here. All right. All right, now, it's real simple. All you gotta do is point, aim and shoot. All right?

JACOB: Okay, look. You don't really wanna do this.

COP #1: You can do this. Just focus.

JACOB: Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this through. What would John Cena do?

COP #1: Finish him!

JACOB is stunned in his private parts.

COP #1: Right in the nuts! That was beautiful. Well done. Give her a hand, everybody. Good job.

DANIELLE: Good job.

COP #1: Hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody wanna do some shooting up here? How about you, big man? Come on up here. Okay, same instructions. Just point, aim and shoot. There you go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity. Eye of the tiger. Good. You're holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.

METAL MATT: Don't do that.

The kid shoots METAL MATT in the face.

COP #1: In the face! In the face!

METAL MATT continues to stand, and walks towards the kid, Frankenstein's Monster style.

COP #1: Oh, he's still up. He's still up. All right, everybody relax, take it easy. We've seen it before. He just needs a little extra charge. There we go. Some of these guys, you gotta give them two shots. All right, kids, who wants to get their fingerprints done, huh? Come on, let's go.

DANIELLE: That was pretty cool.

Outside...

JACOB: That was bullcrap. I'm telling everybody we stole a cop car.

METAL MATT: They let us go, who cares?

JACOB: I care! You can't just do that. You can't just tase people because you think it's funny. That's police brutality.

METAL MATT: Brutality or not, it was funny to see you get shot in the nuts.

JACOB: Guys, there's something I need to tell you. Last night on the roof, before we went out... I slipped something in our Jägermeister.

DANIELLE: What?

JACOB: I'm sorry, I screwed up, guys.

METAL MATT: You drugged Danielle and Jacell? And yourself?

JACOB: No, I was told it was ecstasy.

METAL MATT: Well, who told you it was ecstasy?

JACOB: The guy I bought it from at Taco Bell.

DANIELLE: Why would you give us ecstasy?

JACOB: I wanted everybody to have a good time and I knew you guys wouldn't take it. It was just one hit each. I used to do three hits a night. That and weed. That coconut was really good.

DANIELLE: But it wasn't ecstasy, it was roofies!

JACOB: You think I knew that, Danielle? The guy I bought it from seemed like a real straight shooter.

METAL MATT: You mean the drug dealer at the liquor store wasn't a good guy? All right, let's just take a deep breath, okay? Seriously, this is a good thing. At least it's not some stranger who drugged you three for God knows what reason. Yo, dude, we forgive you.

DANIELLE: Yeah, man, we totally forgive you. I mean, we still had fun last night. Hell, we're still having fun! In a weird way.

JACOB: Thanks guys. Let's just keep looking for Jacell. Let's go back to the hotel. Maybe he's there.

The three go back to the hotel, to reveal ROB ZOMBIE is in their room.

METAL MATT and DANIELLE: It's Rob Zombie!

ROB ZOMBIE punches out JACOB.

DANIELLE: WHOA!

ASSISTANT: Mr. Zombie would like to know why is his tiger in your bathroom.

DANIELLE: All right, look, me and a couple of others were drugged last night. Except for Metal Matt here, we have no memory of what happened. We got in all kinds of trouble last night and now we can't find our friend.

ASSISTANT: Why the hell would you wanna steal his tiger?

METAL MATT: We tend to do dumb crap when we party.

ASSISTANT: I don't believe these guys, man.

DANIELLE: Wait, how did you guys find us?

ASSISTANT: One of you dropped your jacket. Found it in the tigers' cage this morning.

DANIELLE: That's Jacell's.

ASSISTANT: Yeah, Jacell. His wallet and his room key is in there.

METAL MATT: Okay, I know this is asking a lot, but do you think we could go to your house and look around see if there's any clues?

ROB ZOMBIE: Absolutely. How else you think we're gonna get the tiger back anyway? Be at my house in about an hour or so.

ROB ZOMBIE and his assistant leave.

DANIELLE: It sucks that Jacob got knocked out, but it was Rob Zombie, so it's awesome!

METAL MATT: Yeah, I'm starting to remember what we did.

DANIELLE: We need to find that tiger and bring it back to Rob Zombie.

METAL MATT: And we need to get a picture with him.

DANIELLE: Absolutely.

ACT II, PART II coming soon...

[Spanky]

Lol pretty entertaining. Looking forward to more dude.

[Metal Matt]

ACT II, PART II:

JACOB: This does not seem fair.

DANIELLE: It's Rock, Paper, Scissors. There's nothing more fair.

METAL MATT begins to pepper the steak for the tiger.

JACOB: Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper.

METAL MATT: Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.

JACOB: Okay, I jammed five roofies in there. Just go in there and throw it in to him.

METAL MATT: Alright.

JACOB: Make sure he eats the whole thing.

METAL MATT feeds the tiger the roofied steak.

DANIELLE: What do we do now?

METAL MATT: We wait.

The three are driving their car to Rob Zombie's house.

JACOB: Hey, guys, when's the next Halley's comet?

METAL MATT: Who gives a crap, man?

JACOB: Do you know, Danielle?

DANIELLE: I don't think it's for, like, another 60 years or something.

METAL MATT: What does this have to do with the tiger?

JACOB: Well, the thing is-

The tiger wakes up and attacks METAL MATT.

METAL MATT: What the hell?

JACOB: GET HIM!

DANIELLE: I got him! Let's just hold him until we get there.

The three arrive at ROB ZOMBIE's house.

ASSISTANT: Come on in. Rob's got something he wants to show you.

DANIELLE: That thing's out of control, man. Seriously, you gotta put it to sleep.

ROB ZOMBIE: When we got back, we took a look at the security cameras.

JACOB: Great.

The surveilance camera shows METAL MATT, JACOB, DANIELLE, and JACELL.

DANIELLE: Oh, it's Jacell.

METAL MATT: Oh, thank God he's alive.

JACOB: That's our buddy. That's who we've been missing. Hey, that's me, I'm on TV. I've never been on TV before.

METAL MATT: [on the TV] What are you doing, man?

JACOB urinates and defecates into the pool.

METAL MATT: Really? Really, Jacob?

JACOB: Yeah, I was, uh...

JACELL: [on the TV] You're gonna overflow the pool, man.

JACOB: Maybe... Should I wait outside?

ROB ZOMBIE: I think that's a good idea, Jacob. By the way, where you get that cop car from?

METAL MATT: We, uh, stole it from these hick cops.

ROB ZOMBIE: Nice. High five that one.

DANIELLE: Yeah, that's nice.

ROB ZOMBIE: Who does crap like that, man?

METAL MATT: Someone who has a lot of issues, obviously. I'm a sick man. That's not really surprising. Jacob is a little bit sicker. Tells all these truly tasteless jokes about dead people, it's pretty unbelievable.

ROB ZOMBIE: That's all we got.

DANIELLE: This was hugely helpful. Really. Because now we know that our buddy Jacell... was with us at 3:30, totally alive.

METAL MATT: Thanks again, Superbeast. And, uh, again, we are so sorry we stole your tiger.

ROB ZOMBIE: Don't worry about it, man. Like you said, we all do dumb crap when we're messed up.

METAL MATT: I told you he'd get it.

Outside...

METAL MATT: All right. I think it's officially time we call Fiona.

JACOB: Hallelujah. Finally, Metal Matt says something that makes sense.

METAL MATT: You say that like it's a bad thing. Besides, We don't have much of a choice. And maybe she's heard from Jacell. You know how crazy he is for her. We just need to be completely honest. We need to tell her everything.

DANIELLE: We don't have to tell her everything.

METAL MATT: I don't know, it would make for a boring story.

Suddenly, a car pulls up. It is revealed to be THE DOCTOR.

METAL MATT: Doctor Who?

THE DOCTOR: My name is the Doctor.

METAL MATT: Doctor of what? Pepper?

THE DOCTOR: It doesn't matter. The fact of the matter is, you stole money from me. If you want to see your friend again, you get me my 80 grand.

DANIELLE: What?

METAL MATT: Our friend? You have Jacell?

DANIELLE: You know about our friend? Jacell!

METAL MATT: Jacell! Jacell's in the car! Jacell's in the car! Jacell, it's okay!

THE DOCTOR: You chill out, ribcage shirt!

METAL MATT: Okay, okay. All right, fine, fine. What do you want?

JACOB: Look, we're very sorry. But this is an easy fix. We can get you the... We can even write you a check right now.

THE DOCTOR: No chance. Cash only.

JACOB: There's a person in there.

THE DOCTOR: Boring. About to take a nap. Come on.

DANIELLE: You kidnapped our friend! Kidnapper!

METAL MATT: Wait.

THE DOCTOR: Bring my money to Big Rock in Mojave Desert at 2 minutes to midnight.

METAL MATT: Fine.

JACOB: How much money do we have?

METAL MATT: About $10,000.

DANIELLE: What are we going to do?

METAL MATT: I have an idea. It's a bit risky, but I think it will be worth it. Anyone want to play some blackjack?

The three arrive at a casino and play flawlessly, due to the tricks in METAL MATT's book from earlier.

DANIELLE: Look at that! Look at that! Metal Matt is the man! He can't lose! He can't lose!

JACOB: [softly] I think the pit boss is watching us.

The three exit the casino quickly.

JACOB: Are you sure you didn't have a magic Leprechaun coin with you?

METAL MATT: No, it was just knowledge. And knowledge is power.

JACOB: How much do we have anyway?

DANIELLE: With all this, it's $82,400! Metal Matt, you rock!

METAL MATT: You rock too, Danielle! And you too, Jacob! We all rock!

DANIELLE: We should come back next week, take the whole city down.

METAL MATT: Oh, I'm free next week. I think it's safe to say that our luck has officially turned around, guys.

DANIELLE: We are back, baby!

ACT III coming soon...

[Spanky]

Very nice man, you left "Alan" in part of the story though, lol, so you probably have to edit that out. Looking forward to more dude.

[Metal Matt]

ACT III:

The three meet with THE DOCTOR in the desert.

METAL MATT: All right, we got the money. Eighty grand, cash.

THE DOCTOR: Throw it over. Then I give you Jacell.

DANIELLE: And we would very much appreciate an opportunity to see Jacell before we give you the money, just to verify that he's okay. lf that's cool.

THE DOCTOR: Of course. That is cool.

DANIELLE: Oh, thank God.

METAL MATT: Okay.

THE DOCTOR: See, he's fine. Now give me money, or I kill him with my Sonic Screwdriver.

DANIELLE: Give him the money, Metal Matt.

METAL MATT: Okay. It's all there. Let him go.

THE DOCTOR: All right, take it easy. Take it easy. Ta-da.

The hostage is revealed to be somebody else.

METAL MATT: Is this some kind of joke? Who the hell is this? That is not Jacell.

THE DOCTOR: What you talking about, Willis? That's him.

JACOB: No, I'm sorry, Mr. Doctor. That's not our friend. The Jacell we're looking for is black.

WHITE JACELL: Ah! I told you you had the wrong guy, little boy. Jacob, what the hell you got me into? From Taco Bell to this?

DANIELLE: You know him?

JACOB: This is the guy that sold me the bad drugs.

WHITE JACELL: I didn't sell you no bad drugs.

METAL MATT: Wait. He sold you the Ruphylin? First of all, where is Jacell?

WHITE JACELL: I am Jacell.

DANIELLE: Your name's Jacell? Hey, Doctor. You gave us the wrong Jacell.

THE DOCTOR: Not my problem. The TARDIS does act up on occasions.

METAL MATT: No, screw that! Now, you give us our 80 grand back and take him with you!

WHITE JACELL: No. Come on. I'll be your Jacell.

THE DOCTOR: Toodle-loo, mothertruckers.

THE DOCTOR drives off.

METAL MATT: Alright, I'll just go ahead and call Fiona.

FIONA: Hello?

METAL MATT: Fiona, it's Metal Matt.

FIONA: Metal Matt, where the hell are you guys?

METAL MATT: Yeah, listen. We messed up.

The four drive back to the Cesar's Palace hotel.

WHITE JACELL: Thanks for the lift back to town. He thought I was with you guys because we were hanging over at the Bellagio. It's funny, because just the other day me and my friend, we were watching Happy Days the other day, and during the commercial break, we were wondering why they even call them roofies. Why not floories, right? Because when you take them, you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies? That's a good new name for them. Or, how about rapies?

METAL MATT: Wait, what did you just say?

WHITE JACELL: Rapies.

METAL MATT: Not that, what did you say before?

WHITE JACELL: I said groundies.

METAL MATT: No, before that! You said, "You're more likely to wind up on the floor than..." Hold up, I've got a call coming.

FIONA: Metal Matt. Talk to me. What is going on? Where's Jacell?

METAL MATT: He is paying the bill. We just had a delicious brunch. We're in a hurry to get back, so we gotta get going. Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye. [hangs up] I know where Jacell is. I don't know, man. It just hit me. You remember when we saw Jacell's mattress impaled on that Metallica statue?

JACOB: Yeah, we threw it out the window.

METAL MATT: No, impossible. You can't open windows in Vegas hotels. Kind of doesn't make sense, but whatever.

DANIELLE: Well, then how did it get...? Oh, my God!

JACOB: Whoa, wait. What's going on?

DANIELLE: Jacell was trying to signal someone!

METAL MATT: He's on the roof. We must have taken him up there as a prank, so he'd wake up on the roof.

DANIELLE: You think he's still up there?

METAL MATT: There's only one way to find out.

The three go up on the roof.

JACOB: Where you at, Jacell?

DANIELLE: Jacell!

METAL MATT: Hey, guys! He's over here! Hey, I found him! He's over here! He's okay.

JACOB: You're okay. Ha, ha, ha!

METAL MATT: Oh, God. We gotta go, buddy. Come on.

DANIELLE: Oh, we have been looking everywhere for you.

JACELL: What the in the name of Spider Man is going on?

METAL MATT: We can explain everything, but right now we gotta go.

JACELL: I'm getting married today.

DANIELLE: Yes, you are. That's why you need to focus and do everything we say. Because, frankly, you're wasting a little bit of time right now.

The four are driving back to L.A.

JACELL: At least the trip wasn't a total disaster.

JACOB: What makes you say that?

JACELL: When I woke up on the roof... I happened to find $80 worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket. Looks like we're going home with some money, boys.

They get to the wedding.

METAL MATT: She looks beautiful, man.

JACELL: Sorry I'm late. Vegas.

FIONA: Where were you?

JACELL: Honey, it's a long story.


PRIEST: We are gathered here today because of the strength of love and of promises kept. Possibly, I don't really know, I'm pretty buzzed right now.

JACELL: All I know is I am so sorry. And I promise for as long as we're married... to never, ever put you through anything like this again. Can you forgive me?

FIONA: Sure. I love ya, ya Spider Man, Chucky loving dude!

At the after party...

JACELL: You guys are awesome.

DANIELLE: Jacell, I gotta tell you, man, this was a gorgeous wedding.

METAL MATT: I give it six months.

JACELL: I don't know what to say. Thanks for the bachelor party, I guess?

JACOB: Yeah. I just wish we could actually remember some of it.

METAL MATT: Hey, guys? Look what I found.

JACOB: Whoa, that's my camera.

METAL MATT: It was in the back seat of the car.

DANIELLE: Oh, Go... Are there photos on it?

METAL MATT: Yeah. They're pretty interesting to say the least. I'm glad I withheld my memories of the weekend from you. This is something you gotta SEE to believe.

JACELL: Wait, wait, wait. We look at these pictures together, okay? One time. And then we delete the evidence.

JACOB: I say we delete it right now.

DANIELLE: Are you nuts? I wanna see what we did. Guys, one time. Deal?

JACOB: Deal.

JACELL: Deal.

METAL MATT: Okay. Here we go... WHOA!

DANIELLE: That's messed up!

JACOB: Classic!

The End.

So that was interesting to write! IF anyone has any other suggestions for me to write, Metal Universe or movie parodies, please let me know! Thanks for reading!

[Spanky]

Good job man, very entertaining.