Metal Matt Fan Fic: Metal Dynamite

[Metal Matt]

So I have decided to write another movie parody. And I think Spanky and Gee will like this one. I will be writing a parody of Napoelon Dynamite. Let's begin!

CAST:

Metal Matt as Napoleon Dynamite (METAL DYNAMITE)
Jennifer Tilly as Deb (JEN)
Spanky as Kip (SPANKIP)
Chucky115Awesome as Pedro (JACELL)
Chucky as Uncle Rico (UNCLE CHARLES)
Gee as Lafawnduh (LAFAWNGEE)
Tiffany as Summer (TIFFANY)
UndeadPunk as Rex (UNDEADREX)
Smngry as Don (SIMDON)
The Rapping Granny from the Wedding Singer as Grandma (GRANDMA)

ACT I, PART I:

METAL DYNAMITE is waiting for a bus. The bus arrives, and he gets on.

KID: What are you going to do today, Metal Dynamite?

METAL DYNAMITE: Whatever I feel like I wanna do, GOSH!

METAL DYNAMITE takes a pack of fireworks and lights it and throws it onto another car, which explodes.

TEACHER: Your current event, Metal Dynamite.

METAL DYNAMITE: Joan Jett just released a new album. It's pretty cool.

SIMDON: So, Metal Dynamite, what'd you do last summer again?

METAL DYNAMITE: I told you, I spent it in Florida looking at internet memes with my uncle.

SIMDON: Did you make any?

METAL DYNAMITE: Yeah, like 20 of them, people kept asking me to make them, what the hell would you do in a situation like that?

SIMDON: What website did you use?

METAL DYNAMITE: Freakin' MemeGenerator.com, what do you think?

Later on, METAL DYNAMITE is getting his head bashed into a locker. He goes into the office.

METAL DYNAMITE: Can I use the phone?

RECEPTIONIST: Is something wrong?

METAL DYNAMITE: I don't feel very good.

SPANKIP: Hello?

METAL DYNAMITE: Is Grandma there?

SPANKIP: No. What do you need?

METAL DYNAMITE: Can you just come get me?

SPANKIP: No, I'm busy. Why?

METAL DYNAMITE: I don't feel very good.

SPANKIP: Have you talked to the school nurse?

METAL DYNAMITE: No, she doesn't know anything! Can you just do me a favor?

SPANKIP: What?

METAL DYNAMITE: Can you bring me my Doritos?

SPANKIP: No.

METAL DYNAMITE: But I'm really hungry!

SPANKIP: Just get some from the vending machine! They're only a dollar!

METAL DYNAMITE: Those are too expensive! [hangs up] GOSH! IDIOT!

The principal is talking to a new student.

PRINCIPAL: This isn't that complex. Look, the cafeteria's down the hall, to the right, and downstairs.

METAL DYNAMITE: Is this a new kid or something?

PRINCIPAL: Metal Dynamite, this is Jacell. Would you mind showing him his locker?

METAL DYNAMITE: You know, there's, like, a crapload of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join 'cause I'm pretty good with a bow staff. Do you ride the bus to school?

JACELL: No, I ride my bike.

METAL DYNAMITE: What kind of bike is it?

JACELL: It's a sledgehammer.

METAL DYNAMITE: Like Triple H? Man, you've got shocks, pegs, Lucky!

METAL DYNAMITE arrives home.

GRANDMA: How was school?

METAL DYNAMITE: The worst day of my life, what do you think?

GRANDMA: I want you to give Donkey some of this.

METAL DYNAMITE: Spankip has done flippin' anything today.

GRANDMA: Look, me and- Spankip, listen!

SPANKIP: WHAT?

GRANDMA: Tonight me and your aunt are gonna go visit some friends... and we're not gonna be back till tomorrow. We're gettin' low on burritos, so I got Lyle comin' over tomorrow to take care of it.

METAL DYNAMITE: Well, what's there to eat?

GRANDMA: Knock it off, Metal Dynamite, Make yourself a dang quesadilla! I'll be back tomorrow.

GRANDMA leaves.

METAL DYNAMITE: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Spankip.

SPANKIP: Metal Dynamite, don't be jealous that I've been skyping online with babes all day. Besides, we both know I'm training to become a cage fighter.

METAL DYNAMITE: Since when?

SPANKIP grabs METAL DYNAMITE and puts him in a headlock. The doorbell is rung. SPANKIP lets go of METAL DYNAMITE.

METAL DYNAMITE: I'll go get it. [slaps SPANKIP]

SPANKIP: JEEZ!

METAL DYNAMITE opens the door. A woman with a side ponytail is seen with a assortment of items.

GIRL: My name is Jen, and I'm trying to earn money for college. Do you need any headshots?

SPANKIP: Your mom goes to college.

DEB drops all her stuff at the front door and walks off.

SPANKIP: It would be nice if you could pull me into town.

ACT I, PART II coming soon...

[Spanky]

This is pure gold.

[Gee]

I absolutely love this. Oh my goodness. I'm so happy you did a spinoff of one of my personal favourites. Cannot wait for more, good work man!

[chucky115awesome]

[Metal Matt]

ACT I, PART II:

METAL DYNAMITE and SPANKIP arrive at a karate place called UNDEADREX KWON DO.

UNDEADREX: My name is UndeadRex, and I hate John Cena. But that's beside the point. If you study with my eight-week program, you will learn a system of self-defense that I developed over two seasons of fighting in the Octagon. It's called UndeadRex Kwon Do! I need a volunteer.

SPANKIP raises his hand.

UNDEADREX: Okay, you'll do. Come up here. Bow to your sensei. Bow to your sensei! Okay. Now, I'm gonna give you one chance. One chance, people. Give me your best shot. All right. That was pretty good. Okay. Now, watch this, everybody. Grab my arm. The other arm. My other arm. Now watch this. I'm just gonna break the wrist and walk away. Break the wrist, walk away.

UNDEADREX does this move.

SPANKIP: Jeez!

UNDEADREX: Okay. It's just that simple. Now, I want you to kick me. Come on. Kick me. Okay, do it again. Do it again. Okay. You'll block it every time. Have a seat. Now, in addition to what you just saw, if you study with my eight-week program, you're gonna learn these things. First off... UndeadRex Kwon Do, we use the buddy system. No more flyin' solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times.! Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. Do you think I got where I am today because I dress like John Cena up here?





UNDEADREX: Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. [He is wearing CM Punk Sleep Pants]




 Do you think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearin' these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self-respect. Do you think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Eva Marie at night?



UNDEADREX: Forget about it! Now, for only $750, you can sign up right now for my eight-week program.

METAL DYNAMITE is driving SPANKIP back home.

SPANKIP: Well, that was a ripoff.

The next day, METAL DYNAMITE and JACELL are talking at school in the bleachers.

METAL DYNAMITE: So you and me are pretty much friends by now, right?

JACELL: Yeah.

METAL DYNAMITE: So, you got my back and everything?

JACELL: What?

METAL DYNAMITE: Never mind. So have you heard about the dance?

JACELL: Yeah.

METAL DYNAMITE: Have you met anyone to ask yet?

JACELL: No, but I probably will after school.

METAL DYNAMITE: Who are you gonna ask?

JACELL: That girl over there.

The girl in question is TIFFANY.

METAL DYNAMITE: Tiffany? How in the hell are you going to do that?

JACELL: Bake her a cake or something.

METAL DYNAMITE: Yeah, my old girlfriend from England was going to fly out for the dance, but she couldn't because she going to be fighting at something called Summerslam.

JACELL: Is she hot?

METAL DYNAMITE: See for yourself.



JACELL: Wow.

METAL DYNAMITE: Yeah, I took her to the mall to get her some glamour shots for her birthday one year.

METAL DYNAMITE and JACELL are later eating lunch.

METAL DYNAMITE: Are you gonna eat your fries?

JACELL: No, the cafeteria food here sucks.

METAL DYNAMITE: Can I have them?

JACELL: Sure.

METAL DYNAMITE stuffs the fries in his pants pocket.

METAL DYNAMITE: See that girl over there? [points at JEN] She came over to my house the other day.

JACELL: Why?

METAL DYNAMITE: I don't know, but she left all this crap on my porch.

JACELL: She's pretty good-looking.

METAL DYNAMITE: You dare me to go talk to her?

JACELL: Sure.

METAL DYNAMITE goes over to JEN.

METAL DYNAMITE: I see you're drinking 1% milk. Is it good?

JEN: Yeah.

METAL DYNAMITE: I have all your stuff in my locker. You can come and get it if you want.

GRANDMA is seen riding a dune buggy and crashing.

A man throwing footballs is seen. His phone rings and he picks it up.

METAL DYNAMITE is seen in class.

SIMDON: Hey, Metal Dynamite, give me some of your fries.

METAL DYNAMITE: No, go get your own.

SIMDON: Come on, man, give me some of your fries.

METAL DYNAMITE: No, I'm freakin' starved, I didn't get to eat anything today.

SIMDON kicks the fries in METAL DYNAMITE's pants, causing them to fall out onto the floor.

METAL DYNAMITE: Gross. Freakin' idiot. [grabs a fry from the ground and eats it]

Meanwhile at home, METAL DYNAMITE is seen feeding Donkey. An orange van pulls up. It is revealed to be CHARLES, METAL DYNAMITE and SPANKIP's uncle.

METAL DYNAMITE: Hey, Uncle Charles, what are you doing here?

UNCLE CHARLES: Your grandma took a little spill at the sand dunes today, broke her coccyx.

METAL DYNAMITE: What the flip was Grandma doing at the sand dunes?

UNCLE CHARLES: Looks like there's a lot you don't know about her.

ACT II, PART I coming soon...

[Spanky]

I have that John Cena shirt, loo. But awesome read dude, looking forward to more.

[Gee]

Yeah this as Spanky says is, Pure Gold. Can't wait for more. Undeadpunks's part really made me laugh. Love the little pictures you add lol

[Metal Matt]

ACT II, PART I:

SPANKIP: So, when is Grandma coming back?

UNCLE CHARLES: I don't know.

METAL DYNAMITE: You don't have to stay here with us, we're not babies.

UNCLE CHARLES: Huh, talk to your auntie Sarah.

METAL DYNAMITE: Spankip is like 24 years old, he has a patchy beard!

SPANKIP: I don't mind if you stay.

UNCLE CHARLES: Oh, thanks Spankip.

METAL DYNAMITE: What the flip was Grandma doing at the sand dunes?

UNCLE CHARLES: She was on a date. With her boyfriend.

METAL DYNAMITE: Boyfriend?

UNCLE CHARLES: Hey, you guys want to see my video?



UNCLE CHARLES: So what do you think?

SPANKIP: It's pretty cool, I guess.

UNCLE CHARLES: I wish I could go back in time.

METAL DYNAMITE: This is pretty much the worst video ever made.

SPANKIP: Like anyone could even know that.

UNCLE CHARLES: You know what, Metal Dynamite? You can leave!

METAL DYNAMITE: You guys are retarded!

UNCLE CHARLES and SPANKIP are sitting at a diner.

SPANKIP: So are you and Vivian still together?

UNCLE CHARLES: No.

SPANKIP: Why not?

UNCLE CHARLES: Well, she's jealous. Says I'm living too much in '88. Well, I dumped her. What about your girlfriend?

SPANKIP: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, yesterday we Skyped for 5 hours, so, I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious. I'm just really tryin' to raise a few bucks right now so I can bring her around for a few days.

UNCLE CHARLES: What's she look like?

SPANKIP: She's pretty good-looking.

UNCLE CHARLES: Hey, you know, I got a little project that we might be able to make a little moola with.

SPANKIP: Really? That sounds pretty good.

UNCLE CHARLES: Have you ever heard of nylon polymer?

Meanwhile, METAL DYNAMITE and JACELL are in front of TIFFANY's house.

METAL DYNAMITE: Go for it.

JACELL delivers a cake to TIFFANY's house.



UNCLE CHARLES and SPANKIP are seen eating burritos by the front door.

UNCLE CHARLES: Back then I could throw a knife a quarter mile. Watch this.

METAL DYNAMITE and JACELL are riding home on a bike. METAL DYNAMITE is then struck by UNCLE CHARLES' burrito.

METAL DYNAMITE: What the hell are you doing?

SPANKIP: That's what I'm talking about.

UNCLE CHARLES: Spankip, I reckon you know a lot about cyberspace. You ever come across anything like time travel?

SPANKIP: Easy. I already looked into it myself.

The next day, TIFFANY approaches METAL DYNAMITE.

TIFFANY: Is Jacell here today?

METAL DYNAMITE: I don't think so. Why?

TIFFANY: Just wondering. Can you give this to him, for me?

METAL DYNAMITE: Okay.

UNCLE CHARLES is seen with SPANKIP.

UNCLE CHARLES: Right. l... I think... just a little bit east of the cemetery is a good little area right here. We should do it there. Don't go to Taco Bell, 'cause their meat comes from a tube.

SPANKIP: How long are we working?

UNCLE CHARLES: You're already losing your steam?

SPANKIP: No, I just have a Skype call coming in at 4. I gotta be back here by then.

UNCLE CHARLES: All right, you just start a little earlier, that's all. Or else work afterwards, how long are the Skype calls?

SPANKIP: Jeez, sometimes, three, four hours.

METAL DYNAMITE walks in.

UNCLE CHARLES: Yeah, maybe we should go and talk somewhere a little more private.

SPANKIP: Good idea.

At the bowling alley...

SPANKIP: Please, please, please....

SPANKIP gets a strike.

SPANKIP: Yes!

UNCLE CHARLES: Before we get started on our new project, I have a few concerns. First off, I'm concerned about your transportation situation. I mean, do you... you got a car you can borrow from someone? Actually, now that I think about it, you can borrow my van for the time being. l... I do better on foot anyway. We also need some way to make us look official, like we got all the answers. How about some gold bracelets? We need, like, some name tags with our picture on it, all laminated and whatnot. I mean, we gotta look legit, man.

The next day, METAL DYNAMITE and JACELL meet up at school.

METAL DYNAMITE: Where were you yesterday?

JACELL: I got sick.

METAL DYNAMITE: Has Tiffany said anything to you yet?

JACELL: No, not yet.

METAL DYNAMITE: Well, she said no.

JACELL: What about that other girl?

METAL DYNAMITE: What other girl?

JACELL: The girl that left all that crap on your door.

METAL DYNAMITE: You mean Jen?

JACELL: Yeah, I asked her out too.

METAL DYNAMITE: No one will probably ask me. I don't have any good skills. I have music skills, writing skills. Girls only want guys with hipster skills nowadays.

METAL DYNAMITE goes to a girl's house and gives the mom a picture. UNCLE CHARLES is there as well.

Back at home...

UNCLE CHARLES: I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Metal Dynamite.

METAL DYNAMITE: I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up.

UNCLE CHARLES: I'm gonna tell you somethin'. While you're playin' patty-cake with your friend Jacell, your Uncle Charles is makin' 500 bucks.

METAL DYNAMITE: I could make that much money in five seconds.

SPANKIP: Geez. Yeah, right, Metal Dynamite. I made, like, 100 bucks today.

UNCLE CHARLES: Metal Dynamite, it looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Donkey.

METAL DYNAMITE: Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap in Spankip's smelly bathroom?

ACT II, PART II coming soon...

[Spanky]

Excellent installment man. I am liking it so far.

[Gee]

I laughed pretty hard at that amazing Spiderman cake, looking forward to the rest man!

[Metal Matt]

ACT II, PART II:

METAL DYNAMITE reluctantly gets a job at Wal Mart.

BOSS: Sometimes, the people might be difficult or trashy. Or old. Just mention menthols, and they'll go away.

METAL DYNAMITE: Do the customers have baggy pants?

BOSS: Do they have what?

METAL DYNAMITE: Baggy pants? So you see more than you want to?

BOSS: Boy, I don't understand a word you just said. Okay, you meet me back here about noon, and, uh... we'll have a little lunch waitin' for ya.

METAL DYNAMITE sees a man dressed in a gorilla suit while working in the pharmacy.



Later, their lunch is revealed to be Taco Bell.

BOSS: Well, dig in. Those tubes work wonders. Can't find my checkbook. Hope you don't mind if I pay you in change.

Later at home, METAL DYNAMITE is counting his change received.

METAL DYNAMITE: Six dollars. That's like a dollar an hour.

The phone rings. METAL DYNAMITE picks up the phone.

METAL DYNAMITE: Hello?

TRISHA: Is this Metal Dynamite?

METAL DYNAMITE: Yes.

TRISHA: I'm calling to say that I will go to the dance with you. And I want to thank you for the beautiful drawing.

METAL DYNAMITE: I'll pick you up at 6:00 for the dance. Bye.

TRISHA: Bye.

JACELL: Who was that?

METAL DYNAMITE: Trisha.

JACELL: Who's that?

METAL DYNAMITE: The girl I'm taking to the prom.

JACELL: Did you draw her a picture.

METAL DYNAMITE: Yep.

JACELL: What are you going to wear to the dance?

METAL DYNAMITE: Just like a suit or something. What are you going to wear?

JACELL: My dad has something for me. But you should probably get a shirt and pants.

METAL DYNAMITE and JACELL are looking at clothes for the dance.

METAL DYNAMITE: Jacell, how do you feel about these?

  





JACELL: They look nice.

METAL DYNAMITE: Yeah, these, these look incredible.

METAL DYNAMITE is dressed in said clothes, ready for the dance.

METAL DYNAMITE: I need you to give me a ride in an hour.

UNCLE CHARLES: Where?

METAL DYNAMITE: The dance.

UNCLE CHARLES: You takin' my client's daughter?

METAL DYNAMITE: Yes. We need to pick her up too.

UNCLE CHARLES: Well, Uncle Charles' got a sale to finalize in Bonita in five minutes.

METAL DYNAMITE: Can't you take me and then drop me off when you're done or whatever?

JACELL's cousins come and pick up METAL DYNAMITE and TRISHA.

They arrive at the dance. Wang Chung's Everybody Have Fun Tonight is playing.



METAL DYNAMITE: Do you wanna go over by my friend Jacell and dance really quick?

A few moments pass. METAL DYNAMITE meets up with JACELL and JEN.

JACELL: Metal Dynamite.

METAL DYNAMITE: When did you get here?

JACELL: A few minutes ago.

METAL DYNAMITE: Have you seen Trisha anywhere?

JACELL: No. But if she doesn't show up, I'll let you dance with Jen for a few songs.

METAL DYNAMITE dances with JEN as Simple Minds' Don't You (Forget About Me) starts playing.



METAL DYNAMITE: So are you and Jacell getting serious?

JEN: No. We're just friends.

METAL DYNAMITE: How your glamour shots been going lately?

JEN: Pretty good. I could do a personal portrait sometime... if you wanted to come over.

METAL DYNAMITE: Okay.

Meanwhile, while getting water, JACELL sees a poster for Class President.

The next day, METAL DYNAMITE and JACELL are talking at the front of the school.

JACELL: Do you think people will vote for me?

METAL DYNAMITE: Hell yeah. I'd vote for you.

JACELL: Like, what are my skills?

METAL DYNAMITE: Well, you have a sweet bike... and you're really good at hookin' up with chicks. Plus you're really talented at making tribute videos.

JACELL: That's true.

METAL DYNAMITE: If you need to use any of my skills, I can do whatever you want.

JACELL: Thanks. If I win, you can be my secretary or something.

METAL DYNAMITE: Sweet! Plus I could be your bodyguard too. Or, like, Secret Service captain or... whatever.

JACELL: Okay.

At school, TIFFANY and SIMDON are handing out buttons with "Vote For Tiffany" on them.

JACELL: Is it just me or is it warm is here?

METAL DYNAMITE: No, it feels fine.

JACELL: You don't feel like your head is burning or anything?

METAL DYNAMITE: Not really.

JACELL: I'm gonna go home and lay down.

METAL DYNAMITE: Alright, see ya.

SIMDON approaches METAL DYNAMITE.

SIMDON: Vote for Tiffany.

METAL DYNAMITE: I'm not voting for her.

SIMDON: Then who are you gonna vote for?

METAL DYNAMITE: I'm voting for Jacell Bland, who do you think?

SIMDON: Whatever.

METAL DYNAMITE: Hey, Simdon, can I have one of those buttons?

SIMDON hands METAL DYNAMITE a button. METAL DYNAMITE throws it across the hall and runs up the stairs. Meanwhile, UNCLE CHARLES and SPANKIP are sitting in a diner.

SPANKIP: So, that guy in Detroit give you your money back yet?

UNCLE CHARLES: Oh, I wrote him an e-mail, sayin' I'm gonna contact the authorities if I don't get a refund in full. Don't you ever wish you could go back with all the knowledge you have now?

SPANKIP: I guess so.

UNCLE CHARLES: Well, I'll tell you somethin' right now. You'd find your soul mate.

SPANKIP: I've already got a soul mate.

UNCLE CHARLES: Oh, yeah. What's her name again?

SPANKIP: Lafawngee.

UNCLE CHARLES: Lafawngee. Huh. How's she doin'?

SPANKIP: Well, I think I'm gonna need some time off. She's flyin' out from Canada for a few days.

UNCLE CHARLES: Canada? HAHAHAHA- I mean, that's cool. Well, what about work? Well, haven't, haven't you studied up on the new product?

SPANKIP: Yes.

UNCLE CHARLES: Well, do you know it backwards and front?

SPANKIP: Basically.

UNCLE CHARLES: Why don't you sell some to that girlfriend of yours? You might as well do somethin' while you're doin' nothin'.

SPANKIP: Because she doesn't need any. That's why.

The next day, METAL DYNAMITE encounters JACELL.

METAL DYNAMITE: Hey. I did some drawings for the flyers.

JACELL: Thanks.

METAL DYNAMITE: Why do you got your hood on like that?

JACELL: Well, when I came home from school, my head started to get really hot. So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing. So I laid in the bathtub for a while... but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my head so hot. So I went into my kitchen, and I shaved it all off. I don't want anyone to see.

METAL DYNAMITE: I know what you mean.

JEN: There's just so many options. That one's good.

METAL DYNAMITE: Looks like a pirate.

JEN: You know, you're right. That's a good one. I think this matches your season, Jacell.



JACELL: Thank you.

Meanwhile, SPANKIP is waiting for LAFAWNGEE at the bus station. A bus arrives, and LAFAWNGEE gets off. She has long red hair (I think, I'm not sure, lol) and is wearing a Rob Zombie shirt.

LAFAWNGEE: SPANKSTER!!!!!!

ACT III, PART I coming soon...

[Spanky]

I'm loving it dude. You need to edit a little bit though because you left in Uncle Rico lol.

[Metal Matt]

Fixed, lol.

[Gee]

Haha yeah I got red hair

I love it!!! I love how you added my Rob Zombie shirt, what a nice touch.

[Metal Matt]

ACT III:

UNCLE CHARLES: Hey, you Trisha?

TRISHA: Yeah.

UNCLE CHARLES: You remember me? I'm a friend of your mom's. I'm... I'm Metal Dynamite's uncle. Uncle Charles.

TRISHA: Oh. Yeah.

UNCLE CHARLES: Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you give your mom a couple of these... and tell 'em to hand 'em out to her friends or whoever?

TRISHA: 'Kay.

UNCLE CHARLES: You girls give me a call if you feel like you could use some. Have a nice day.

The flyers are revealed to be breast enhancement thingamajigs. Later, UNCLE CHARLES is driving as a grapefruit hits his van. METAL DYNAMITE is revealed to be throwing them. UNCLE CHARLES gets out and attempts to attack METAL DYNAMITE.

UNCLE CHARLES: Why the heck are you throwing crap at my van?

METAL DYNAMITE: Everyone at school thinks I'm a freakin' idiot cause of you!

UNCLE CHARLES: You're gonna clean my van. Right now.

METAL DYNAMITE: Get off me, you bodaggit!

METAL DYNAMITE punches UNCLE CHARLES and runs off. The next day at school, students at school are hitting a pinata with TIFFANY's likeness.

PRINCIPAL: Look, Jacell. I don't know how they do things in Georgia, but here in Idaho, where the big boys play with their potatoes, we have a little something called pride. Understand? Smashing in the face of a piñata that resembles Tiffany is a disgrace to you, me and the entire Potato State.

TV: Welcome to Guitar George's Guitar Riffs. Are you ready to groove tonight? Share the spice of life?

METAL DYNAMITE: Yes.

TV: All right, then. Let's get started.

The phone rings. It is Jacell.

METAL DYNAMITE:Are you disqualified?

JACELL: No. They just made me take down the flyers as a penalty for the piñatas.

METAL DYNAMITE: Can you still run for president?

JACELL: I don't get it. He says not to do stuff like that, but in Atlanta, Georgia, we do that all the time. That and listen to Stabbing Westward.

METAL DYNAMITE: Your hair looked great today.

JACELL: Thank you.

METAL DYNAMITE: All right. See you tomorrow, Jacell. [METAL DYNAMITE meets LAFAWNGEE] Who are you?

LAFAWNGEE: I'm Lafawngee.

METAL DYNAMITE: What are you doing here?

LAFAWNGEE: I'm waiting for Spankip. Why are you so sweaty?

METAL DYNAMITE: I been practicing.

LAFAWNGEE: Mmm. Practicing what?

METAL DYNAMITE: Guitar riffs.

LAFAWNGEE: Oh, that's sexy. You like heavy metal?

METAL DYNAMITE: Yeah, who doesn't?

LAFAWNGEE: Yeah, that music is the best. Rob Zombie is my favorite, as you can see.

METAL DYNAMITE: Yeah, Rob Zombie is pretty awesome. Hellbilly Deluxe is one of the greatest albums ever made.

LAFAWNGEE: I totally agree.

SPANKIP: My chores are done. So, you ready, Lafawngee?

LAFAWNGEE: I am, honey.

SPANKIP: Sorry, Napoleon. We're just runnin' a little bit late for some Taco Bell. Tell Uncle Charles not to wait up for me.

LAFAWNGEE: I'll be waitin' outside for you, baby. Bye, Metal Dynamite.

METAL DYNAMITE: See ya.

LAFAWNGEE walks outside.

SPANKIP: Lafawngee is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm a hundred percent positive that she's my soul mate. Metal Dynamite, I'm sure there's a babe out there for you too. Peace out.

METAL DYNAMITE: See ya.

The phone rings.

METAL DYNAMITE: Hello?

JEN: Napoleon?

METAL DYNAMITE: Yeah. Who's this?

JEN: It's Jen... and I'm calling to let you know I think you're a shallow friend.

METAL DYNAMITE:What the heck are you even talkin' about?

JEN: Don't lie, Napoleon. Your Uncle Charles made it very clear how you feel about me.

METAL DYNAMITE: What?

JEN: I don't need herbal enhancers to feel good about myself. If you haven't noticed, the breasts I have already are oh, so fine. And if you're so concerned about that, why don't you try eating some yourself?

JEN hangs up. UNCLE CHARLES enters the house.

METAL DYNAMITE: Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.

UNCLE CHARLES: She didn't tell me anything.

METAL DYNAMITE: Too bad. She says she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eatin' all our burritos.

UNCLE CHARLES: I'm not goin' anywhere, Metal Dynamite. And for the record, those burritos are good. And unlike Spankip, I don't destroy the bathroom with fart fumes.

METAL DYNAMITE: Get off my property!

UNCLE CHARLES: It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.

METAL DYNAMITE: Get off my property, or I'll call the cops on you.

UNCLE CHARLES: Well, then do it. Go on.

METAL DYNAMITE: Maybe I will. Gosh!

The phone rings.

JACELL: Hello?

METAL DYNAMITE: Jacell? How's it goin'?

JACELL: Good.

METAL DYNAMITE: Jen just called me. She pretty much hates me by now.

JACELL: Why?

METAL DYNAMITE: 'Cause my Uncle Rico's an idiot!

JACELL: Do you have anything to give to her?

METAL DYNAMITE: No, not unless she likes fish. Are you still gonna give your speech tomorrow?

JACELL: Yes.

METAL DYNAMITE: Do you already know what you're gonna say?

JACELL: Yes... but not all of it.

METAL DYNAMITE: Just tell 'em that their wildest dreams will come true if they vote for you. I'll see you tomorrow, Jacell.

UNCLE CHARLES meets with EVA MARIE, UNDEADREX's wife.

UNCLE CHARLES: Now, if you look right here, we have Sally Johnson from Wisconsin. Would you like to read her testimonial right there?

EVA MARIE: Sure. Um... "After using Bust Must Plus, I have such big bosoms..." I don't feel comfortable reading this.

UNCLE CHARLES: Oh, that's fine. That's fine. But do you feel comfortable with me? You could be... somewhere around, uh...here.

UNDEADREX walks in. He attacks UNCLE CHARLES.

UNDEADREX: Come here, boy!

In the school auditorium...

TIFFANY: Well, I never thought I would make it here today. I would be a great class president because... I promise to put two new pop machines in the cafeteria, and... Oh, we're gonna get new cheerleading uniforms. Plus, we would decorate the school dark, but beautiful at the same time. Anyway, I think I'd be a great class president, so, uh.. Vote for Tiffany.

MODERATOR: And now TIFFANY will perform her skit with members of our very own Happy Hands Club.

The Happy Hands Club dances to 4 Non Blondes' "What's Up?".




MODERATOR: [to JACELL and METAL DYNAMITE] Your speech is up next. Your skit had better be pretty good.

JACELL: A skit?

MODERATOR: You perform a skit after your speech, Jacell.

METAL DYNAMITE: What? A flippin' skit? Why didn't anybody tell us about this?

JACELL: I don't want to be president anyway.

METAL DYNAMITE: Jacell, just listen to your heart. That's what I do.

JACELL: I'll just tell them that I have nothing to say.

JACELL walks onto the stage.

JACELL: Hello. I don't have much to say. But I think it would be good to have some Spider-Man decorations hung up in the high school to greet the hallway and to bring us good luck. And... we have a great F.F.A. schedule lined up... and I'd like to see more of that. If you vote for me, all of your wildest dreams will come true. Thank you.

MODERATOR: Up next, I hope you'll enjoy a skit by JACELL BLAND.

METAL DYNAMITE performs a guitar solo. It is well received by the audience. JACELL becomes class president. METAL DYNAMITE meets up with JEN at the tetherball pole.

JEN: Hey.

METAL DYNAMITE: Hey.

JEN: I just wanted to say I forgive you. I know you aren't like that. Your uncle, he's a jerk.

METAL DYNAMITE: There's no argument there. Wanna play me?

JEN: Sure.




The End.

So, this was really fun to write. If you have any more suggestions for me, be they movie parodies or Metal Universe stories, let me know! Thanks for reading!